They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
