I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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