you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
We are two peas in an std pod
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
