Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Randomize
