i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
