my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
