I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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