when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
