I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
