Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I'm both gender and math confused
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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