Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Randomize
