she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
