His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
