Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
