Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I just found a bag of teeth...
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
