Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(281): View more from Texas

I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him

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(847): View more from Illinois

i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"

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(281): View more from Texas

Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.

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(847): View more from Illinois

You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head

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(303): View more from Colorado

I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep

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(503): View more from Oregon

You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.

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