Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I have fence marks all over my body
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
