We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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