1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
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