I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
