Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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