You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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