Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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