pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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