what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Randomize
