It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
