my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
