i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
