I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
