dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
My dick has a subreddit
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
