so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
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