this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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