i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
