Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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