Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
