why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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