Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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