He disabled his match.com account in front of me
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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