Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
