it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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