Yo dont text me then not text me
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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