1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
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