i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
