rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Randomize
