I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
