mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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