i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
