There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I'm sobbing to NWA
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
