Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
