the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Randomize
