My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
