So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
