saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
