dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Just high enough for therapy.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
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