The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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