don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
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